Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
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Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.