[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
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Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Twitter is an abusement park.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*