Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
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I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
there has never been a better use of this meme
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
nature’s most graceful animal
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me