My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
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My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
When a shoelace touches your ankle
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS