Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
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VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city: