interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
You Might Also Like
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.