My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
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What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat