My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
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[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Nice try, NASA
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug