Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
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I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
What do you hear?
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.