Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
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Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
The glockness monster
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.