Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
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I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
would Medusa wear a hat
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