Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
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me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
he chose this
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Terribly Tuesday.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.