My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
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[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Jail
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again