Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
You Might Also Like
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.