I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
You Might Also Like
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
The photographer’s assistant
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.