Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
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friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.