Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
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My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Mistakes were made