dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
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Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
2022 will be better than 2021
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.