Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
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Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way