I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
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indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence