If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
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It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
time machine? you mean a clock?
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*