I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
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Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.