I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
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im 7 sauces long
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
estão todos miauvindo?
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here