The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
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Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.