I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
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My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy