It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
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Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Worst bar ever.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.