My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
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People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
United Steaks of America
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.