Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
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Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
when you order from DoorDastardly
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.