Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
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What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
and now we wait
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait