The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
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Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs