Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
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Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.