If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
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Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought