January has been Januweary
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Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Me: …
Dog: …
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Dog: …
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Dog: ..
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Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me