Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
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It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then