Had a spot of bother earlier.
You Might Also Like
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
I want what they have
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
“just sayin” who asked you though?
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”