Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
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My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”