Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
You Might Also Like
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.