News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
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The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
reviewed some movies recently
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
They grow up so quick
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane