This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
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Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Swedish for common sense.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup