I’ve had relationships like this
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I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
congratulations to them
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.