If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
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I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait