By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
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[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”