*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
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[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.