Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
You Might Also Like
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
oh you wanna fight?!
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm