The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
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Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
reminder
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it