She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
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I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
When can I start eating bats again.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will