Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
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signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.