A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
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“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.