my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
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Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
I’m a bad influence on myself.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.