I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
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Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.